I knew I had to do something about Angela and our friends with benefits arrangement that I’ve been thinking of ending for a while now.
I called her up a couple of nights ago with the intention of saying I had met someone. I wasn’t totally sure about this approach, but I thought it would be the best and easiest explanation. I didn’t want to tell her the real truth because that would be unnecessarily cruel. On the other hand, I know that she wanted us to have a relationship so I felt that telling her I had met someone that I wanted to get more serious with would also make her feel very rejected – since I’d be saying I wanted to have a relationship with someone else and not her.
Thankfully, I got her voicemail – so I left her a message (in a friendly sounding tone) and asked her to call me back. She called me back later that evening and by then I had enough time to make up my mind of what I was going to tell her when she would ask the inevitable “why?” question.
I told her that I really enjoy our times together and that I still wanted to continue doing that – but that we should stop having our sleepovers.
She asked me why (of course) and I just said I didn’t feel comfortable with our arrangement anymore. I told her that these types of arrangements usually don’t last long since it’s hard to sustain it. She asked me if I’ve been in this type of situation before. I told her I have but not often. I didn’t go into details, since that would have been pointless. I tried to sound caring but firm – I cared about her feelings but at the same time, I knew I wasn’t happy continuing it.
She said she was disappointed but I could tell she wasn’t devastated. I thought I took the right approach. She even told me to take a deep breath and relax, after sensing that I was somewhat tense telling her this. That made me feel better since it showed that she wasn’t as hurt as I feared.
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May 10, 2007 at 9:52 am
Louisa
Good for you DatingGuy – it must have been a very tense situastion for you to deal with.
And now at least you have it behind you, plus it sounds like at least you didn’t lose a friend in the process?
May 10, 2007 at 10:46 am
datingguy
Thanks, Louisa. Yeah, it went fairly well. There’s a chance we’ll remain friends but time will tell if she’ll be OK with that. I’m just glad I ended it in an honest way without being unnecessarily cruel.
May 10, 2007 at 7:04 pm
Kerstin
Just out of curiousity, was it just because she was overweight that you were turned off or was it because you were feeling the vibe that she wanted more?
Even though she didn’t sound devastated, I’m sure it stung a little. But it seems like you handled with grace and left her with some dignity. Good job.
May 10, 2007 at 7:30 pm
datingguy
Thanks, Kerstin. I think it was mainly physical, yes. I was upfront with her about not wanting a relationship and I think she was OK with it (even though she wanted more). I would have been comfortable continuing the FWB if I felt more of a physical attraction towards her.
May 11, 2007 at 7:33 am
kannan
At the back of your mind, have you ever heard a voice that shouts you are being shallow rejecting a woman for superficial reasons like that? If yes how do you deal with it
May 11, 2007 at 9:29 am
datingguy
kannan – I think I’m being true to myself. I accept her as someone that I can spend time with and enjoy her company, but I know deep down that I’m not physically attracted enough to have a serious relationship or even a fling with her. I think that’s being honest with yourself.
That inner voice tells me I’m doing the right thing – I think more guys should listen to that voice.
May 11, 2007 at 11:05 am
Kerstin
I completely agree. Isn’t it funny that women always say “Just be honest with me.” Yet when a guy is honest, such as you have been here, then they are superficial and shallow jerks because their reasons for said honesty aren’t good enough for some people.
Honesty is highly underrated. I’d much rather know someone isn’t physically attracted to me than to go on thinking I rock their world.
May 11, 2007 at 1:14 pm
datingguy
Kerstin – thanks for your thoughts. Yeah, I agree that being honest (with myself and with others) is the way to go. I can be fully honest when I blog but with her, yes, I had to not say certain things.
I think you’re a rare woman that’s comfortable with your looks. I guess I thought since she was overweight she would already have issues about her physical appearance, so why bring that up. Who knows, maybe she would have reacted like you if I was completely honest with her.