Didn’t feel that nervous about my second attempt to talk to a woman at a coffee shop. I came in to the same coffee shop as last time, was feeling pretty tired and just wanting to chill out and hang out and do some writing. As I’m ordering my drink I notice a cute woman sitting by herself with a pile of papers in front of her. I’m thinking “why not”.

For those guys that are nervous about doing this sort of thing (and I’m still one of them quite often) my thought pattern was the following:

  • I’ve already talked to a lot of women the last few days, what’s one more?
  • This might be fun – who knows where this might lead to?
  • If she’s not interested, I’m just going to hang out and enjoy myself without her.

I’m actually feeling pretty relaxed – I don’t know, maybe feeling a little tired physically helps with feeling less nervous. I order my tea calmly and even joke around with the staff before taking my drink. I turn around and head straight towards her – I have no pre-packaged opening line that I’m going to use. I just say the first thing that comes into my head: “Is this seat taken?” She looks up at me and says it’s not. I then tell her something about how I just came in and wanted to hang out and indicate that it would be cool if we hung out together. Well, that didn’t really go over well. She just got uncomfortable and said “um… I’m kinda busy working right now”.

Not really worried I just say OK and take a seat far way from her – very far away. Another day, another chance to practice 🙂

I get the feeling after the last two pickup attempts that many women are desperate to find a great guy and yet their instinctual reaction is to be closed off to a new interaction from a stranger. It’s ironic but I guess it’s a societal conditioning. I thought I sensed a part of them that was curious where this would go but then their instinctual safety switch came on from childhood that told you “not to talk with strangers” and they close themselves off from the opportunity. Of course, I also have to acknowledge that my approach can be greatly improved as well.

Here are a few things I learned about approaching women that I’d like to pick up:

  • Make eye contact first before going over to say hello. I think I startled her to have someone she wasn’t aware of suddenly be in front of her asking if we should hang out
  • Have something better to say than “I’m just looking for someone to hang out with” It’s kind of lame and isn’t really that much fun – What is it about her that I find interesting?
  • It’s not just about the one girl you want to talk to. Talk with others, too – the sales staff and other patrons. I ended up meeting this guy that happened to know some mutual friends of ours and it was a cool way to connect.

Here are a few things that I think I did pretty well:

  • Was relatively relaxed – I didn’t care that much about the outcome. I was going to hang out at the coffee shop whether she was there or not.
  • Went for it without much “thinking”. I know a lot of guys (me included) have this amazing ability to over think a very simple situation and analyze it to death without taking any action. I didn’t do that today.

As I’m writing this post in the shop, I see this other woman typing on her laptop and she’s looking around and we lock eyes. I just smile – warmly, openly. She reciprocates with a timid smile. I’m feeling good, relaxed and I don’t even want to approach her – but I feel that if I wanted to I would.

I end up having a nice time just chilling and writing this post and I strike up a conversation with this guy and it turns out we have friends in common. So overall, it was a great way to relax and try something fun.

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