Last night I got together with Angela. Yes, I thought about ending the benefits side to our get togethers and I’ve gone back and forth on whether to end it or not. I thought I’d be OK with occasional benefits – after all, it had been 3 weeks since we last hung out. And yet, I found myself feeling not that in the mood with her.

The main issue is physical – she’s, well… fat. Yes, I think there’s no way around it. I’d say she’s about 40-50 pounds overweight.

I love the fact that she’s not self-conscious about her body and she’s not inhibited about her sexual desires. But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m just not physically turned on by her.

We went out for some ice cream first (my idea) because I didn’t want her to just come over to my place and have the pressure (on me) of having sex right away. I wanted to spend some time hanging out with her in a non-sexual way and see if the arousal level would build from there.

At the ice cream shop, I saw other women looking at us, or more specifically, at her, and I felt like Miranda from an episode of Sex and the City. In the episode, Miranda goes on a date with this incredibly handsome man and when they’re at the restaurant Miranda thinks that all the women are eyeing this hot guy that she’s with and that she’s not good looking enough for him. Well, I kind of felt the opposite – like everyone there was looking at her and wondering what I was doing with someone so unattractive. I know that doesn’t sound nice but that’s how I felt. I guess I feel I can do a lot better than her – so even though I have available sex I’m not sure it’s worth it.

We had our ice cream and then drove back to my place. I still wasn’t feeling that in the mood but I could tell she was getting more aroused. So here I had a woman that was ready to have sex with me and yet I wasn’t sure I wanted to go through with it. I wasn’t making any moves and I felt like she was being the guy by getting closer to me physically and touching me. It’s like I got to experience what it feels like to have a guys come on to women, from the women’s perspective.

When we got to my place, I thought about saying something so that we wouldn’t go through with it, but in the end decided to just do it. She kept giving me hints that she’s interested and I just finally thought “what the hell – maybe it’s worth one final time”. I somehow managed to “perform” and I made sure she really enjoyed herself but inside I was thinking that this would probably be our last time like this together. She left my place this morning after insisting that we have another go at it this morning (man, she’s got a large sexual appetite).

I don’t think she’s aware that I’d like to call it off. I’m just wondering what’s the best way to do it now – whether I should tell her that I met someone else or just not give any explanation. I just don’t want to be brutally honest with her because I think that would be unnecessarily cruel.

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